Understanding why someone you love is in denial (2023)

Denial is often a defense mechanism for people living with grief or trauma. If your loved one is in denial, there are ways you can help.

When someone you love minimizes, avoids, or denies a painful situation they've experienced, it can be confusing, frustrating, or draining.

What you're feeling is natural, and knowing that they're not doing it on purpose can help. Denial may be a way they have developed to deal with past wounds.

By understanding why denial happens in the first place, you can feel better equipped to respond with care and compassion.

Talking to someone you love who is in denial can be a challenge, but there are a few ways to make it easier for both of you.

Learn as much as you can

Whatever your loved one is going through, be it grief, trauma or something else, learn as much as you can about the event from other sources.

This can help you understand and empathize with them and realize how much space they need.

Look at it differently

Giving up can bring benefits.

"The good thing is that the person in denial still has some fighting spirit in them — the desire for self-preservation," he says.Timothy Yen, a psychologist in Dublin, California.

“The brain is wired for our survival and does everything it can to keep us alive. "If a painful situation is going to cause pain, the brain will find creative ways to keep those kinds of experiences away from the person," he says.

Knowing this can help you be more compassionate. In the same way that you wouldn't want to remove a bandage before someone's wound has begun the healing process, you might not want to fight denial.

Be polite

Your instinctive reaction might be to force someone to face the music and face reality, Yen says, but that's not necessarily the best approach.

"It's important to remember that a person may not have the ability to face reality at that time," he says. “You can start by sharing your feelings and thoughts about the situation and create space for the person to remain in denial.

"It's like planting a little seed of truth that will hopefully sink in later," he adds.

Practice non-judgment

It might help you think about something in your life that you've been struggling with.

Remember how scary or painful it was, and then show up the way you would want someone to show up for you: with grace.

You don't have to participate in someone's self-harming behavior, but you can provide a safe place to help them deal with their pain.

Consider using a calm demeanor, open body language, and soft voice to communicate that it's okay to be vulnerable.

Be an active listener

It is common for loved ones who have been hurt to make excuses for their behavior. When you hear this happening, try not to get defensive. Instead, give it a tryactive hearing.

You can repeat what they say in the form of questions to encourage them to clarify what they mean.

Paraphrasing what you heard can help someone hear—really hear—what was said. It can also make room for digging a little deeper.

Use "I" statements.

If someone seems open to talking, you can dip your toes in the water and see how they react when you express your concerns.

Consider using loving "I" statements and say how their actions make you feel.

It might sound like this:

• I'm afraid when you drink at work and then drive home.
• I worry when you don't take your medicine.
• I feel upset when you set the table for our dead father.
• I'm sad that I don't know how to support you when you act like that.

Stay calm

Your loved one may react with irritation and anger or double down on their denial, but that doesn't mean you have to escalate the situation either.

Try to breathe deeply, and if things get out of hand, it might be a good idea to say you'd rather talk about it another time.

Getting out of denial is a process - not an overnight change.

Try to be available to support or guide them without attacking them, she saysGina Marie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor in New York.

"Pushing someone to refuse to see reality as you see it is going to be met with resistance," he says. "This causes stress for both you and the person refusing, and often leads to problems in the relationship rather than resolving the situation."

Even if you feel frustrated, try not to blame them for the rejection. Consider avoiding questions to get them to see your point of view.

Also, try to be patient and not rush the process. It's a good idea to let them set the pace. They will come out of denial when they are ready. You can believe this.

There may come a time when denial will do more harm than good.

If they seem open to it, you can encourage your loved one to start tracking certain behaviors in a journal or app so they can see the objective facts of the situation.

For example, someone might record how many drinks they had in a week.

If the denial is interfering with their work, home, school or general quality of life, it may be time to discuss other options.

"If you notice that denial is affecting or interfering with a person's ability to function, you can compassionately suggest they talk to a professional," she says.Tiffany Brown, a licensed clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

"Be compassionate with your words," she adds. "Think about how difficult the situation might be for that person and let that guide what you say."

It may be beneficial for you to work togetherfind a therapistusing our search tools.

Sometimes people need denial because dealing with a traumatic event is too painful to deal with. This may be if they don't yet have the resources to deal with it.

Denial as a self-defense mechanism was first described by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, he explainsmavish sikander, a therapist in London.

"Defense mechanisms are strategies that help people avoid distress and make them feel like they're coping better," she says. “Denial can give someone a sense of control, like water flowing from a faucet. They may find it easier to control when they can decide how much water flows and when."

When someone is in denial, they may avoid and minimize their behavior, refuse to accept help, or minimize consequences.

For example, someone who regularly misses work due to substance use, but believes their boss doesn't notice or that they aren't harming themselves.

Denial is a spectrum. It can involve avoidance behavior, such as changing the subject, or it can also involve self-awareness, such as not seeing how something has affected you.

A loved one living in denial may tell you they're fine, for example, even though you know they've just been through a difficult event.

There may also be physical signs that someone is having trouble accepting the event or its impact. For example, when a mother leaves her son's room exactly the same several years after his death.

When something may seem glaringly obvious to you, but your loved one doesn't see it, you can feel confused or scared.

Try to remember that your loved one is doing the best they can with the tools they've been given. Denial has some function, at least for now, and they'll come out of it when they're ready.

Until then, try to be patient, talk to them using compassion and take good care of your own mental health. When the time is right, they can come out of denial. In the meantime, your support can help them cope.