Am I emotionally unavailable? 32 signs you are and the fastest ways to fix it (2023)

If you've asked yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" then you are probably looking for solutions. Fortunately, we have everything you need to know.

Am I emotionally unavailable? 32 signs you are and the fastest ways to fix it (1)

"Am I emotionally unavailable?" This is not a question that many people ask themselves. People who are emotionally unavailable often think others are too available or have excuses for not approaching people.

Could it be you? Figuring out if you are emotionally unavailable can be difficult, and admitting it to yourself can be even more difficult. Once you know if you are emotionally unavailable, it takes a lot of work to become more open.

But first, what does it really mean to be emotionally unavailable?

[Reading:How to be vulnerable in a relationship and feel closer]

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?

Being emotionally unavailable means that you don't like to talk about your feelings or the feelings of others. It is usually associated with afear of intimacy. This fear can come from different places like past relationships, childhood and more.

If you ask yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" see how well you get along with others. Being emotionally unavailable can hinder your romantic relationships, friendships, and even teamwork at work.

Those who are emotionally unavailable struggle to open up to others and feel uncomfortable when others open up to them. [Read:25 questions for self-discovery that will bring you closer to knowing who you are]

Emotionally unavailable people also tend to believe that others open up too much or too soon. They may label people as needy or desperate for wanting a personal connection when they deny their need for that connection.

Think of emotional availability like any other type of availability. If you are available to plan, you have free time to do so. You can connect emotionally with others if you have the space and opportunity to do so.

But like when you're busy, other parts of your life fill that space, leaving it blocked off for others to fit into. [Read:What does it mean to be vulnerable? 15 ways you can open more]

Is it bad to be emotionally unavailable?

It is important to know that emotional unavailability does not make you a bad person. It just means that you have to endure some personal growth before you can build a meaningful relationship.

So don't be hard on yourself when you ask yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" If you are, don't worry. Learning how to grow and become better is part of life. [Reading:29 signs someone doesn't care about you or your feelings]

Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?

Anyone can fall in love. In fact, falling in love is a wonderful human experience. However, an emotionally unavailable person may not know when they have fallen in love.

When you close yourself off from other people, you also, in a way, close yourself off. This means that if you are emotionally unavailable, you may not understand your feelings very well.

You could be deeply in love with someone right now and have no idea!

But again, it's nothing you can't learn. [Reading:103 honest signs to know if you love someone or if you are falling in love]

Am I emotionally unavailable?

Since you came looking for this trait and got this far, you probably answered yes to the question, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" And hopefully, that means you want to do something about it.

To make sure you are emotionally unavailable, let's look at some of the best examples. If you regularly fall into these patterns, you may be emotionally unavailable. But the good news is that it can be treated.

1. You like the chase

If you like that part of dating where you're not sure if someone likes you, but run away as soon as they admit it, you're probably not emotionally available.

You love the excitement that comes when you don't know and aren't sure, but you get bored or overwhelmed when emotions are expressed. [Reading:]

2. Avoid compromises

Someone who is emotionally unavailable will not do things that make them uncomfortable.

You won't bother making plans. You will want to meet near your home or at a time that suits you. You will not change plans to meet someone else's needs. It can be for a date or even a night out with friends or family.

3. You always hit an obstacle

You never seem to get past a certain point in a relationship. There is always something stopping you from going deeper. Never go past a month or a few dates because that's when most people start to open up.

4. You always find a flaw

Being emotionally unavailable is a defense mechanism in many ways, and one way to prevent yourself from getting too close to someone is to push them away, even when there's no real reason to do so.

If you find yourself overly judgmental or picky when it comes to dating, you're forcing imperfection to end things. You try to justify why things don't work out. [Reading:]

5. Fight with patience

Losing your temper with waiters or service people is another sign that you won't change your schedule to accommodate other people's needs.

Having a problem with patience shows an unwillingness to side with others or work with them. [Read:Do you have the patience for dating or does it frustrate you?]

6. You hide your past

An unwillingness to discuss past relationships or your childhood can be a sign of emotional unavailability. Not wanting to talk about the things you've suffered shows that you're not vulnerable and that you don't want to be close to someone.

7. Avoid discussions about the future

Not only will you avoid talking about the past, but you also don't like planning the future with others. You don't want to rely on someone or rely on someone.

Still wondering, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" Well, if the idea of ​​committing even a few weeks into the future gives you anxiety, maybe it does.

8. You feel that others are in need

Claiming that someone you're dating or even a friend needs to reach out to or ask for your help shows that you're struggling with a genuine relationship.

Friendship or dating comes with a closeness you're not used to, so when someone wants to be with you, you think it's too much. [Reading:]

9. Keep your options open

You always expect something better. Even if you see someone you like and can't find fault, you always have other options. You don't want to settle down or get stuck.

10. Avoid landmarks

Even if you've been seeing someone for a while, you'll do everything you can to avoid milestones.

This includes meeting their friends or parents, going to work with them, or inviting them to meet anyone in your life. You won't go on vacation together, nor will you want to leave them at home when you run out of coffee. [Read:How to recognize and deal with an emotionally distant partner]

11. You tend to think of relationships as "work"

Of course, there are times in a relationship when you have to do something you don't really want to do.

Driving your partner to the airport, spending hours shopping at a store you don't care about, and hanging out with people you don't know because they're vaguely related to your partner.There are times in relationships when you have to compromise, and sometimes it can seem like an obligation.

But love should never, ever feel like work. Even when you're doing the worst jobs, like taking out the trash, you're doing it for the person you love and to make their day.

But if even responding to their text feels like work, you may not be emotionally available.

12. Keep your feelings and thoughts private

Whether it's because you're afraid of being vulnerable or because you don't want to be bothered, you tend to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.

But if you don't let people in, that's the definition of emotional unavailability. [Reading:]

13. You want to continue seeing other people

If you've only been on one date with someone, wanting to continue the relationship isn't a reason to ask yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?"

But if you've been seeing someone for a month, six months, or even an entire year, and you still don't feel enough of a connection or spark with them to delete the dating apps from your phone, you're emotionally unavailable .

14. You are distrustful by nature

If your emotional unavailability manifests as physical distrust, you may be using it as a defense mechanism. [Reading:]

Maybe you've been hurt or betrayed in the past, so now you don't trust anyone and remain emotionally unavailable to avoid repeating that betrayal.

15. You think drama and intimacy are one and the same

Are you more likely to bump into someone you know on the street than a stranger? Yes, technically, but that doesn't mean you can't have drama-free intimacy.

If you avoid intimacy because you don't like drama, you're just making excuses for your emotional unavailability.

But remember, conflict is a good thing. It means you care so much about something that you are willing to fight for it. [Reading:]

16. You are quick to interrupt people

At the slightest inconvenience, you end relationships and friendships as if they mean nothing to you.

Maybe because they meant nothing to you. You remain emotionally unavailable to everyone, so once they let you down or make a mistake, you have no problem ending all relationships.

17. You break your promises

It could be anything from breaking plans or picking someone up or something more serious. But you don't want anyone to expect anything from you, so when you agree to something, make sure you break that promise so they don't rely on you.

18. You burn with anger

You get angry for no reason over little things. Maybe your schedule didn't go as planned or someone is trying to talk to you about something important.

If you snap when something goes out of your routine, it can be very annoying to the point of anger. [Reading:Are you selfish in a relationship? 19 signs that you are a user]

19. You have communication difficulties

This is a major sign that you are emotionally unavailable. Not only will you struggle to communicate big things, but you won't want to talk about anything serious.

You have a hard time dealing with someone's criticism. You won't share your feelings about the person you're dating or what you want from them.

Instead of telling someone you're not looking for anything serious, you'll avoid the subject.

20. You are hot and cold

As you wonder, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" think how hot and cold you are with people.

Even if you're showing all these signs of being emotionally unavailable, you're still human and crave some level of connection. This can be seen by the fact that it is warm and cold.

You could spend two days in a row with someone and really enjoy their company. But if you cancel it, you won't talk to them for a week afterwards.

When you get close to someone, shut them down fast and hard.[Read:How to tell that someone is taking advantage of you - 22 signs that the user simply cannot hide]

21. It is possible to become a ghost

You have no problem imagining someone when things get really intense. In order to avoid talking about feelings or sharing intimacy, you will show someone with whom you feel that you have become too close.

You won't face conflict, mistake, or even offer someone closure because they keep a safe distance between you and something deeper. [Reading:]

22. You don't like labels

If you are emotionally unavailable, you have never called someone your girlfriend or boyfriend. You avoid saying anything related. Even if you spend a lot of time with someone and have that closeness, you'll avoid labeling it to protect yourself from expectations.

Refusing to call a relationship a relationship shows that you want benefits without real commitment and seriousness.

23. You are afraid of getting hurt

Most emotional unavailability is about the fear of being hurt, but it's something you feel deep down.

On the surface you may claim that you want to be independent or that you don't want to care about anyone else, but really deep down you believe that you are unworthy or incapable of love. [Reading:What does it mean to be vulnerable? 15 ways you can open more]

Where does it come from?

You've read the list and are beginning to answer your own question: "Am I emotionally unavailable?" But before you can learn how to stop being emotionally unavailable, you need to learn where your vulnerability issues come from.

Once you understand the root cause, it is much easier to overcome it.

1. Attachment problems

Maybe you've never been good at creating attachments. Or maybe you formed attachments to others too quickly and too deeply, so now you're forcing yourself to be emotionally unavailable to protect yourself.

In any case, attachment issues usually stem from a turbulent childhood. If you had neglectful or even helicopter parents, this could lead to attachment issues in adulthood. [Reading:Attachment Style Theory - Types and 19 Ways You Attach to Others]

2. Struggles with mental health

If you suffer from a mental illness, such as depression, for example, you may find that emotional unavailability flares up when your depression worsens.

When your mental health is at its worst and you're not even taking care of yourself, it can be exhausting to take care of other people. [Reading:Why we must break the stigma of mental illness]

3. Bad past relationship

As we have already briefly described, you may be asking yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" now that you never had such worries because you had a difficult past.

Cheating partners, backstabbing or dishonest dating - you've been betrayed and betrayed so many times that you now put up a wall between yourself and other people to protect yourself from being hurt again.

How to stop being emotionally unavailable

Understanding what your emotional unavailability does to others can help you correct your own behavior. Recognizing that your behavior has hurt others and may have made them emotionally unavailable can help you understand why you struggle with deeper relationships.

So if you really want to open up and stop asking yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?", follow these tips:

1. Determine the cause

Hopefully the above section has helped you determine where your emotional availability issues are coming from, but if not, do some serious soul searching.

You won't be able to open yourself up to emotional availability until you understand why you closed yourself off in the first place.

2. Practice opening

It can be scary, but trust us. If you try just once, you will see that it is not so terrible.

You can try telling a close family member a little secret or a thought you've been keeping to yourself. It can even be something as small as telling a colleague about your weakness. No matter how you start opening, it's the first jump that counts.

The more you open up, the easier it will be for you, so cross the first hurdle now, as you will see that it is the highest. [Reading:]

3. Slowly

Don't stress yourself out. Deciding that you want to change your emotionally unavailable ways doesn't mean making a drastic personality change overnight.

This means thatyou slowly start to open up to people and let them get to know you on an intimate level. It means opening up to people one person at a time, one secret thought or feeling at a time.

Take this journey slowly, because if you push yourself, you will go crazy and go back to your old ways. Then you will never stop asking yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?"

4. Get your partner involved

If you've allowed someone to become close enough to you to become your partner, include them.

You don't have to go through this alone. In fact, you may find it easier to open up if you only tell one person about your initial trip.

In this way, they can encourage and support you when you are struggling or doubting yourself. [Reading:]

5. Spend time with people in healthy relationships

If all your friends are in bad relationships, it will only further distort your ideas about relationships and intimacy. So be sure to spend time with couples in healthy relationships.

When you see that pure love and absolute trust can exist in a healthy and fulfilling relationship, your defensive walls will begin to crumble.

6. See a therapist

Emotional unavailability is no joke. As you can see from the root causes of emotional availability issues *complicated childhoods, mental health issues and past traumatic relationships*, these are complex scenarios.

If you think you'll need the support of an expert to help you solve these complex problems, there's no shame in that. In fact, going to therapy is an incredibly powerful move and something to be proud of.


So what do you think when you ask yourself, "Am I emotionally unavailable?" If so, are you ready to improve your life? Use these tips to open up to the people around you and change your life for the better once and for all.

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